JSM&SMC July 2019: Therapeutic Conversations

It was refreshing start to Term 3, as Charis Patrick, Family and Martial Therapist, Trainer and Family Life Educator, addressed a crowd of 51 mothers on 25 July 2019 at the SAJS Thinkubator.

Mingling at breakfast

As morning refreshments were served, mothers mingled and interacted during the session to discover:
– the different communication styles
– how to talk so your child will listen
– how to listen so your child will talk.
 
Research shows that when we communicate, only 7% of the content is received, while body language and tone takes up most of the message.
Charis spoke with passion on actions speaking louder than words. She suggested that as parents, we take a step back and do not nag our children. The less “rescuing” or reminding our children, the more they will take ownership of their situation and increase their personal motivation for action.

Our natural parental fear will lead us to want to “rescue” our children, but allowing our children to exercise personal choice helps to motivate them. For example, if the child chooses not to do his homework, he will have to face the consequences at school and not blame the parent for not doing the homework.

Supporting our children doesn’t mean rescuing them. Support creates a trust that our children have the ability to complete their tasks, which motivates them further when the tasks are completed because of their ability.

As parents, when we lose hope, we tend to try to rescue our children. However, rescuing has many implications:

  • Rescue leads to disempowerment in the child.
  • Rescue will never be appreciated by the child.
  • Rescue will lead to a sense of “self-sacrifice” by parents (in the hope of making everyone happy), which leads to feelings of resentment. When we are resentful, we’ll be angry and will likely punish (perpetrate) our children.

“Self-sacrificing” is a common phenomenon among stay-at-home mothers. As stay-at-home-mothers, their “KPIs” include their children’s performance in school. However, when mothers “self-sacrifice”, they send a message to their family that they can sacrifice and their time and wishes are not important. When their families start to taking self-sacrifical mothers for granted, these mothers would feel resentful.

When we reduce our tendancy to “self sacrifice” and build up our sense of self instead, we create healthier boundaries for ourselves, that our children can relate to. This will also lead to healthier relationships with our children and our spouses.

Interactive participants

As parents, we have to learn to be aware of our emotions and regulate our emotions. This will help us better understand ourselves, and in turn better understand our children.

We can listen to our children’s passions, even though we may not agree with them. We can also be passionate with what our children are passionate about. We do not have to burst their bubble. We can give them space to explore their options.

3 important ingredients for communication.

Every communication is an incidental teaching. Round up the conversation with a hug. Let our children know that we are their safe space, so that when they have difficulties or problems, they know they can come back to us, their safe space.

Steps to have a therapeutic conversation.

Deborah thanking our speaker.

 

 

 

JSM March 2019: Unlock Our Children’s Motivation

Mrs Sophia Lim introducing the speaker.

JSM participants at the Thinkubator.

With SA1 around the corner, mothers would like to help our children to unlock their greatest potential.

On 28 March 2019, 46 SAJS mothers gathered at the SAJS Thinkubator to learn about the 10 intrinsic motivators that can be found in every child, and how mothers can use them to help “Unlock Our Children’s Motivation”.

Our speaker was Mr Elmer Lau, a training director at Acorn Training. He specialises in the Reiss Motivation Profiling for children, a tool to profile the intrinsic motivators of a child. Elmer is also a St.Andrew’s alumni and a fellow parent of 3 boys in our junior school.

Our speaker, Mr Elmer Lau.

In the hour-long session, the mothers had a lively discussion on the challenges they faced motivating their children. Elmer listed the 10 intrinsic motivators children have, and shared some examples of how to motivate our children beyond the use of reward and threats:
1. Acceptance (need for approval)
2. Understanding (the need for intellectual stimulation)
3. Family (the need to spend time with family)
4. Idealism (the need to help others)
5. Order (the need for structure)
6. Power (the need for achievement)
7. Social Contact (the need for companionship)
8. Status (the need to feel important)
9. Tranquillity (the need to feel safe)
10. Competition (the need to win)

The talk ended with a light hearted question and answer session.

Mrs Sophia Lim was our host for the session.

A light refreshment followed, which allowed the Junior Saints Mums to mingle with one another.

For details about our next Junior Saints Mum Meeting in April, do like our Facebook page for the latest notification. 

JSM February 2019: Bullies Are A Pain!

About 40 Junior Saints Mums met on 28 February 2019 at the SAJS Thinkubator to hear from Ms Vivienne John, who shared candidly from her many years of experience as a counsellor in SAJS and as a mother.

Mrs Vivienne John sharing on bullying.

She shared about how to identify bullying situations and how she taught boys in the school ways to deal with it.

Mrs Vivienne John on identifying a bullying situation.

The participants found the session very useful and many felt empowered to help their children handle a bullying situation. Mrs John also addressed concerns about bullies and bullying at the Question and Answer session after her presentation.

The areas Mrs John covered include: 
– The definition of a bully
– How bullies can harm others
– How not to become a bully
– Signs to look out for if your son is bullied
– What to say when your son gets bullied (including slides to role play with your son, if he encounters a bully)
– How your son can defend himself if he faces a bullying situation
– Strategies of how a child can face up to a bully
– Myths about bullies

The slides Mrs John used can be downloaded here: Bullies Are A Real Pain!

The meeting ended with Mrs Deborah Lee, the SAPTA Chair, inviting the Junior Saints Mum to refreshments where the ladies enjoyed a time of getting to know one another.

Mrs Deborah Lee inviting participants to refreshments.


The next Junior Saints Mum meeting will be held on 28 March 2019, on the topic “Unlock Your Child’s Motivation”. More information on sign up will be available on our Facebook Page closer to the date. Do like the Facebook page to be informed of our upcoming SAPTA events.What Motivates My Child?
– Discover what are the 10 intrinsic motivators in a child
– Learn how to spot the motivators in your child
– Learn how to motivate your child beyond the use of rewards or threats.

About our Speaker:
Elmer is an expert in coaching students and parents in the area of motivation. He is one of the very few coaches in Asia who specializes in the Reiss Motivation Profiling for children, a powerful and scientifically validated tool to profile the intrinsic motivator of a child.